Tag Archives: marriage

Post from the Past: The Worst Advice

When I find myself thrown into a conversation with someone who is really struggling, my first goal is to say nothing that can harm them. The worst advice I could give them would be to encourage them to act in a way that will only make their situation worse. Oftentimes, though, this is the advice they expect to hear. It is the advice that our culture would naturally give. For instance, if your best friend is struggling in her marriage, she may expect you to “support” her by advising her to “put him in his place.” She may want you to validate the choices that she has been making because her husband deserves to be treated like a child. He is, after all, making her miserable and turning her into a sour person. When, really, the correct advice would be the opposite. Your best friend can’t expect to be able to change her husband. The only person she can change is herself. The more she tries to force her husband to change, the worse her situation will become.

God doesn’t put people into situations in which there are no right choices. There is always a right choice, even if that choice goes against our worldly reasoning. He doesn’t put wives into situations in which they cannot serve Him fully because their husbands won’t behave properly. Another person cannot come between her and God’s will for her life. Only she can do that. Instead of waiting for her husband to come ‘round, or instead of constantly nagging her husband and telling him what horrible decisions he makes or how badly he treats her, she should focus her energy on making each right choice in her life as she comes to it. What is the godly thing to do in this moment? She should do it. Five minutes later…what is the godly choice now? She should choose it. Advise her to treat her husband with the respect that his office demands, serving God and others in the meantime.

If she truly submits to the will of her husband, and can treat him respectfully in love and without sarcasm, he will probably come ‘round eventually. If not, well, people have suffered worse for the cause of Christ. This life is merely temporary anyway, and every situation will come to an end eventually. I heard a pastor quote yesterday, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” It’s been tried, and it doesn’t work. Wives cannot force their husbands to change. They can merely do what is good and right on a consistent basis, and hope that their husbands “may without the word be won by the conversation [lifestyle] of the wives.” 1 Peter 3:1

Ten year anniversary

Jesse and I had our 10-year anniversary yesterday. I won’t say we celebrated it, and you’ll understand why once you read about how we spent our day. First, we…

…did absolutely nothing.

Second, we…remembered at 6pm that it was our anniversary.

Third, we gave each other a kiss and laughed about how we both forgot.

Well, we may have missed out on a chance to celebrate on our anniversary, but I’m sure we’ll make it up to each other this weekend. It’ll definitely be more fun to go out on a Friday or Saturday rather than a Wednesday.

And I definitely don’t want to pass up this chance to thank God for my wonderful husband.

We have the kind of love that makes us forget that we aren’t still teenagers. We love to be silly and tease each other, and we love each other for their silliness. (I think it makes me feel normal, knowing that there’s someone else in the world who is as silly as I am.)

We have the kind of love that scares me. I love him so much, it scares me to think that I may lose him someday.

We have the kind of love that makes our home a refuge. No matter how bad things are at work or in any of our other relationships, we can handle the stress at any given moment by knowing that we’ll be together again each evening. Kudos to the military families out there who are able to wait so long in-between. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

We have the kind of love that reminds me of God’s redemption. We love each other in spite of our faults, and our occasional sarcasm, complaining, or whininess. When one of us says something or does something that’s uncalled for, the other generally remains silent. Then a few minutes later, we’ll talk about what we did today or something else completely normal, and everything is wonderful again!

If you have something wonderful to say about your spouse today, feel free to comment!

I know nothing about courtship…

Most of the married couples I know are miserable. Some of them practically hate each other, most of the wives don’t understand submission, and most of the husbands don’t understand leadership. Some of the problems derive from the fact that the couple is unevenly matched, spiritually speaking. I just do not want my son to end up in one of these marriages. What can I do about it? As soon as he “falls in love” with some random girl, all of my advice will seem like nagging. If he marries a girl that his father and I have advised against, we could end up having relationship problems for years (not because I am nagging, because I wouldn’t, but because he remembers our disapproval). The only thing I can think of is to help him keep a level head on his shoulders while searching for an honorable helpmeet. So my answer, I think, is courtship. The only problem is, I know next to nothing about it. I’m assuming that it’s only dating people you would consider for marriage, people with a good reputation and characteristics you find desirable in a life-long mate. I also assume that each date is chaperoned.

How would I go about instilling principles of courtship in my son? I am also responsible for my niece three days a week, and would like to extend this idea to her and her parents as well. I don’t know anyone personally who courted and married as a result. (I don’t think my editor counts because I don’t really know him, and that’s not the kind of conversation I envision having with him.) I used to be acquainted with one family who tried to get their son to court, but it didn’t end well.

I think I have steps one and two worked out, but after that, I’m completely clueless.

Step 1: Stop watching things that portray dating as desirable. Most of these types of movies have many other morality issues as well, so I’m convinced this is the place to begin.

Step 2: Talk about the benefits of courtship, and how important it will be for him to find a good wife.

Anyone with good experiences out there? Any adults who courted or a parent of one? I need help!

 

The Worst Advice

When I find myself thrown into a conversation with someone who is really struggling, my first goal is to say nothing that can harm them. The worst advice I could give them would be to encourage them to act in a way that will only make their situation worse. Oftentimes, though, this is the advice they expect to hear. It is the advice that our culture would naturally give. For instance, if your best friend is struggling in her marriage, she may expect you to “support” her by advising her to “put him in his place.” She may want you to validate the choices that she has been making because her husband deserves to be treated like a child. He is, after all, making her miserable and turning her into a sour person. When, really, the correct advice would be the opposite. Your best friend can’t expect to be able to change her husband. The only person she can change is herself. The more she tries to force her husband to change, the worse her situation will become.

God doesn’t put people into situations in which there are no right choices. There is always a right choice, even if that choice goes against our worldly reasoning. He doesn’t put wives into situations in which they cannot serve Him fully because their husbands won’t behave properly. Another person cannot come between her and God’s will for her life. Only she can do that. Instead of waiting for her husband to come ‘round, or instead of constantly nagging her husband and telling him what horrible decisions he makes or how badly he treats her, she should focus her energy on making each right choice in her life as she comes to it. What is the godly thing to do in this moment? She should do it. Five minutes later…what is the godly choice now? She should choose it. Advise her to treat her husband with the respect that his office demands, serving God and others in the meantime.

If she truly submits to the will of her husband, and can treat him respectfully in love and without sarcasm, he will probably come ‘round eventually. If not, well, people have suffered worse for the cause of Christ. This life is merely temporary anyway, and every situation will come to an end eventually. I heard a pastor quote yesterday, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” It’s been tried, and it doesn’t work. Wives cannot force their husbands to change. They can merely do what is good and right on a consistent basis, and hope that their husbands “may without the word be won by the conversation [lifestyle] of the wives.” 1 Peter 3:1