My Kids Hate Me (Flash Fiction)

I love telling short stories when the narrator doesn’t even know what’s going on. It’s one of my favorite methods of plot exposition. I think it’s so easy to deceive ourselves, and that it happens every day. I like to analyze why people feel the way they do, or what makes people behave the way they do, so you can see why this kind of writing appeals to me. It’s kind of sad sometimes, I know, but so is life.

The following was my first attempt of a prompt suggested by The 3 A.M. Epiphany. I didn’t stay within the parameters, but I did want to continue the story to see where it led. So, if my writing partner is reading this, don’t worry – I started over today, and now I’m obeying the rules, lol.

I have 2 daughters, and they both hate my guts. Even though Rich says I’m exaggerating, I know he’s wrong. I have proof. For instance, my 70^th birthday just passed me by, and it didn’t occur to either of them to stop by for a visit or even call. My whole life is passing me by, and they don’t care a bit.

I have been up all night wondering how in the world they could disrespect the woman that gave them life. I’m sure it’s nothing I did. They must have gone astray somehow – had friends who taught them to hate their mom, or read the wrong kinds of books or watched the wrong kinds of movies. I’ve noticed that most moms in movies don’t love their kids at all, so maybe they’re just getting their ideas from Hollywood.

I can’t stay focused enough to figure it out; I’m too upset. So I have decided to write down what I know and see if the answers come to me.

 

Myra

Myra, she’s my oldest. She’ll be 49 in a couple of months, and she has no clue how good she’s got it. Her husband Frank works a full-time job, and she just sits around all day watching reruns of Golden Girls and sewing afghans. (She’s always been a loner, staying home when her sister and I went out, keeping to herself in her room, barely making an appearance for meals.)

She never had any kids – I guess she doesn’t like the idea of being a mom, since she hates me – and she doesn’t even know what it’s like to have to hold down a job.

Anyway, maybe I can guess what her problem is. When she was real little, she was the only child I had. We spent the first 8 years of her life playing Barbies, coloring together, enjoying games of hide-and-seek. I had to work outside the home, but I always made time for her.

But then Kelly was born, now she was a sick baby, so I had to let Myra sort of figure things out on her own after that. I’m sure it was good for her to finally take some responsibility. I had been molly-coddling her for almost a decade, so it had to end some time.

Myra kept nagging me and demanding my attention, but Kelly was a full-time commitment, and I was real tired when I wasn’t fitzing with her. One day though, she just stopped asking me to play with her.

At the time, I though she must have finally grown up, gained some independence. But that’s probably when she started hating me. Like I said, I’m not sure she ever really understood that I just didn’t have time to cater to her anymore.

Kelly

So I already mentioned Kelly, but she’s my second. I would almost call her my problem-child, except that none of it was her fault. Like I said, she was a sick baby, but that never really got better. Well, anyway, by the time we all learned to cope with her condition, she hated everyone, and me the most.

I tried to give her everything a little girl could possibly want, because I seriously didn’t know how much longer she’d live. I gave her extra candies and hugs when she was little, and all of the latest gadgets and fashionable clothing when she got older.

Myra never cared for any of that stuff. In fact, she moved out before Kelly turned 9.

Out of the blue, Kelly started asking for things that I just couldn’t afford, like that trip to Europe with her friends. She should have realized how much I loved her when I took that extra summer job to pay for her trip to California, but she had already missed her senior class trip, and I guess she never forgave me for that.

 

Well, I won’t lose any more sleep from now on. If they hate me, it’s their own fault for not realizing that I was doing my best for both of them. I can see that bending over backwards to show them that I loved them never did a lick of good, so why even try anymore?

photo credit: dmitryzhkov <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/67084790@N03/33209720101″>4_DSC8944</a&gt; via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

 

 

Discipling our Children

We need a mature mindset when it comes to disciplining ourselves and the little people we are responsible for (our children). Somehow, we find no problems saying, Yes, you HAVE to eat your vegetables, you HAVE to brush your teeth, you HAVE to share, HAVE to apologize. These things are non-negotiable. We parents realize that we are responsible for our children’s health and attitudes in their youth, with the goal of cultivating life-long responsibility in our kids. Why is it then, that we have such difficulty in helping our children develop habits such as daily Bible-reading, prayer, worship, and thankfulness? What about teaching them to discipline themselves through occasional but regular periods of fasting, even if it’s only for one meal? What about charitable giving? Volunteering? Reaching out to others? Shouldn’t we make these things a regular part of their lives so that they will have some clue as to how to function as real Christians?

What do I mean by real Christians? The word Christian is an old one, and originally it meant “little Christs.” It may have even been a derogatory term when it was used by the citizens of Antioch to label followers of Christ. I’d like to think that Christians earned this term because of their adherence to a lifestyle that mimicked Christ’s. Therefore, I maintain that Christianity should be more than just a belief. More than just an acceptance of the Gospel. True, our works don’t get us into heaven, and the definition of the word “Christian” has changed over time, but our belief and acceptance should be made obvious by the changes that salvation works in us.

You might argue that your children haven’t personally accepted Christ yet, and that’s okay, I get that. But the goal is to direct them to seek out the true God and develop a relationship with Him. There’s nothing wrong with running your household in a way that presupposes their eventual acceptance. Even if your children never accept Him and grow up thinking you’re a crazy fanatic, there’s certainly nothing wrong with teaching them to love people and sincerely seek the truth.

Even for parents who have no qualms with “pushing” their religion onto their kids, many still fail to instill Christian discipline in their offspring. I think one of the main reasons is this: we refuse to discipline ourselves and therefore feel like hypocrites when we require them to read their Bibles, etc. If we demand that our kids return the candy bar they stole, yet we ourselves cheat on our taxes, what does that say about us? How can we pass on traits such as sharing, self-discipline, fasting, etc. if we can’t be bothered with these things in our own lives? Well, I only have one answer for that – seek discipline in your own life and set the example. But being an example isn’t enough; we need to help our kids practice for a lifetime of Christianity.

None of us are perfect, and we’re going to fail – a lot – but that doesn’t excuse us from trying our best. You expect a good effort from your kids on all sorts of things – keeping their rooms clean, obedience, education. Expect the best from yourself while you’re at it.

Anyway, rant over.

Here are a few things I find lacking in Christian society today:

1. Sincerity

2. Discipline

3. Obedience

4. Compassion

I have a few thoughts about each, but I will save them for another post.

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/20777644@N05/6185795894″>Bible Study</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

Sugar Creek Gang: Swamp Robber

I met Heather Idoni on my birthday this year – on FaceBook! She happened to notice it was my special day, and popped on over to say “hi.” And, boy, am I glad that she did! When I asked her how we were acquainted, she remembered that I had been to visit her website, www.belovedbooks.com

I checked out her delightful site (more thoroughly this time), all the while regretting the fact that my son has shown little interest in audio books. That is, until we received our copy of Sugar Creek Gang: Swamp Robber. It came in the mail on two CDs. Each is about an hour and twenty minutes long. I immediately dug out an old CD player, and we began listening to them!

I must admit, I allowed myself to become distracted while these CDs were playing in the background, so I couldn’t possibly give you every single detail. I write a lot, and I totally lose myself when I am reading or writing; I never hear what’s going on around me. I know I’ve been like this since at least the 6^th grade, when I looked up from my book to find my teacher sitting at her desk smiling at me. The rest of the classroom was empty. And where had all the kids gone? To recess! I was so busy reading, I didn’t hear them leave.

Anyway, while I couldn’t give you a book report on the story, I do have several things that I want to say about this audio book:

First and foremost, this book clearly communicates the gospel message to children, or to anyone who might be listening for that matter. While nothing can replace a child’s own parents setting a godly example and taking the time to instruct him in righteousness, this book will help your diligent teachings to gel in your child’s mind.

Second, the narrator is phenomenal! I kid you not. No matter how long I sit here and try to explain to you how fantastic he is, there is no way you can possibly wrap your mind around it without listening to him for yourself. He portrays little Bill Collins so perfectly, it’s impossible to imagine that an older man was actually sitting in a studio somewhere reading from the book while being recorded. He does a great job with the other characters as well.

Third, this book is not only parent-approved, but kids like them too. My son wanted to listen to the story over again, and that’s a first for him. Also, even though I was zoned out most of the time, my son could actually play with his toys and pay attention at the same time. He came up to me several times while the story was playing to remark on something he heard. The book spawned several very good conversations between him and me.

Forth, Beloved Books offers great customer service! (Or is it friendship?) When I mentioned to Heather how much we were enjoying the CDs, until our CD player finally gave up the ghost, she sent me a couple of links to download the MP3 files for free. I downloaded them without telling my son what I was doing. I then pressed the play icon and waited for his response; he was so excited when he realized just what was coming out of my laptop.  We were so grateful to Heather for helping us out.

The only thing I could wish is that the other books were available individually. It’s going to be difficult to save up the money to buy a whole volume at a time (6 volumes in all – 32 different books), but considering how perfectly amazing the first book was, how can I skip this opportunity? I can’t imagine, now that I know what we would be missing, not having these CDs around for years to come. If you’d like to read more parent reviews, check it out: http://www.belovedbooks.com/page/page/1567675.htm

Conclusion: order the sample for $4.95 plus free shipping. You can do that here: http://www.belovedbooks.com/page/page/1567474.htm

 

Consistency & Boundaries, Guest Post

CONSISTENCY & BOUNDARIES:

Two Absolute Necessities For Guiding Your Child’s Behavior

by Eileen von Seckendorff

Amy asked me if I would be willing to share some of my own experiences and observations on the subject of discipline. It should be noted emphatically that I am not an expert in child rearing or in child psychology and as a parent I am constantly reminded of how much more I need to learn and grow. I also know there are no guarantees. I’ve seen “good” kids go bad and kids whose parents gave up on them turn out amazingly well. That said, I believe that children who grow up in a loving and consistent home stand a much better chance of having a successful and happy life. That’s not to say that there won’t be trials, hard times, and bad choices at times, but hopefully they will have the tools they need to persevere, evaluate their options, and make better choices in the future.

When I was growing up there was a complete lack of consistency in our home. I don’t blame my parents at all. They did the best they could raising ten kids in their situation and I don’t think I could’ve accomplished half as much as they did if I had been in their shoes. The fact remained, you never knew what to expect. The same infraction could be a huge deal or not, depending on the climate in the home on any given day. Not knowing the consequences or even the severity of an action ahead of time added a huge fear factor to us as kids. That fear led to panic which led to lying which led to all sorts of problems which could have been avoided.

If that wasn’t confusing enough, the rules we did have did not necessarily apply to everyone equally. For instance, let’s say my little sister did something we weren’t allowed to do and I got blamed for it (which NEVER happened). Even if I could prove my little sister did it, I was told that I was still responsible because I was the older sister. That may make sense to a Mom, but to me the message was clear; I was responsible for my own actions and hers and she wasn’t responsible for anything. Not only was that not fair, it could easily have led to bitterness and resentment between us and caused countless other problems.

It has been said that when a child does something wrong, their actions usually fall into one of three categories: Disobedience, Disrespect, or Irresponsibility and there are three easy solutions. If they are disobedient, they need to obey. If they are disrespectful, they need to show respect, and if they are irresponsible, they need to assume the responsibility. My husband and I have really taken this to heart and have had this at the core of our home discipline.

1. If a child was told to clean their room and they didn’t, that’s disobedience. I would tell them they had to obey and then I would sit in their room while they cleaned it. Did that kill my afternoon plans? Maybe, but they eventually learned that our rules are not multiple choice and that next time it would just be faster and easier to clean it on their own. (When they were really small, I did not expect them to clean their own rooms by themselves, but I did expect them to help Mommy while I cleaned it.)  
2. If a child was mean or rude to someone, that’s disrespect. I would have them apologize and be nice to that person. 
3. If a child spilled a drink, that’s not disobedience or disrespect (unless they were throwing it at someone), it’s irresponsibility. I would tell them accidents happen, give them a hug, and have them clean it up (or help me clean it up if they were little). This is a biggie. If they know they’re going to have to clean up all their own messes, the number of messes will decrease dramatically.

If your children are anything like I was as a kid, their infractions will involve a combination of the above. For instance, I knew I wasn’t supposed to play with my older sister’s record player. I also knew if I did, someone might hear me and I would be busted, but I was so fascinated with it I just couldn’t leave it alone. My solution? Put a record on it, put the needle down, and manually spin it as fast as I could to see if I could still hear it making music. I could! I was so excited
…until my sister found her record all scratched up and told Mom.

1. I disobeyed. I needed to say I was sorry, and recognize that I did not have the right to play with other people’s things without permission.
2. When confronted, I got sassy about it. That’s disrespectful. I needed to be reminded that I shouldn’t speak to my mother that way, and told to apologize for it. (If I refused, that would’ve been disobedience again).
3. I damaged my sister’s record. That’s irresponsibility. If I didn’t have the money to pay to replace the album, then I should’ve been given some work to do around the house to make the money so I could assume the responsibility and pay her back. Odds are, if I’d had to pay for the album, I would’ve been less likely to do that kind of damage again.

Bottom line: If there are no consequences for bad behavior, there’s no incentive to avoid it.

I’ve also found that there are some times when apologizing alone for disobedience is not enough. Kids need to learn that their actions have consequences (whether it’s a time out, or a loss of privileges, or a grounding, or a spanking ~ whatever you choose). They also need to know that it doesn’t just apply to kids, that adults can get punished too. (i.e, If I get a traffic ticket, it’s going to cost me money … even if I’m sorry.) Once they realize that consequences are something that follow you throughout your whole life, their perspective will change.

I think the most important part of all of this is that you take your time in deciding the consequences. Never decide on or impose punishment when you’re angry, and be consistent in enforcing the rules. My kids have known since their first driving lessons that if they get a traffic ticket, they will have to pay the fine and they will lose driving privileges for a time (how much time will depend on how far over the speed limit they were traveling). They know what to expect and are not fearful of Mom or Dad “losing it” and grounding them ‘til they’re 70.

I think the second most important part of this is being approachable. I’ve always told my children that they can communicate anything to us (they can even tell us we’re bad parents), as long as they do it respectfully (no “I hate you!”s, or lashing out angrily). If we tell them to do something, they know they should never answer with “but…”, because that sounds argumentative. I’ve told them to always say yes sir or yes ma’am first (so we know they’re willing to obey) and then they can ask their questions or bring up their objections for discussion. Along with that, we need to clearly communicate not only what the rules are, but why they’re important. That may seem obvious to you and me, but it’s not always obvious to kids. There are plenty of kids out there who think that their parents are just mean (because they do not understand why they’re being punished) and that if they just ran away from home, they wouldn’t have to deal with stupid rules any more. I can think of countless stories of teenagers who’ve had it with their parents telling them where to go and what to do all the time … so they left home and joined the Army. They eventually learned why discipline and hard work were important, but they learned it the hard way. Help your kids to understand why the rules are important and that your actions are done out of love and concern for who they are now and who they grow up to be.

That’s pretty much all I have to share. Are these good principles? Yes. Is it easy to be calm, consistent, and disciplined as a parent? No. Will I mess up? Daily, but when I do I admit it to the kids. It’s important for them to see that we all struggle to do the right thing and that we all fail at times. With lots of prayer, and guidance from the Lord, I find the strength to get back up and try again and I try to teach them to do the same.

I hope you’ve found something helpful in all of this and I wish all the best for you and your family.

Eileen

Over-achiever

What’s so bad about doing a good job on something, and then looking for approval? It seems childish, but we parents encourage our children to behave that way on purpose. All of a sudden, when you hit a certain age, it’s not okay anymore. “Look what I did!” is totally rude and out of fashion. Should we change the way we raise our children, or just teach them not to act that way around anyone except Mom and Dad, or to knock it off at a certain age? What? I’m confused!

There are people in my church who knew me in grade school, and frankly, I can barely look them in the eyes I’m so embarrassed. My life was all about me back then. I did my absolute best all the time because it’s what my parents and teachers wanted. They were pleased, and they had ways of showing their approval. Should I have tried to please my fickle peers instead? Impossible! Then why am I so embarrassed? People hated me, but should I have done less than my best? Even now, my efforts at making friends and being nice to people are looked at askance because some believe that I’m just a glutton for approval. At least, that’s how I interpret their reactions.

The other day, I asked a lady in the church where to find such-and-such cleaner. I wanted to find out ahead of time because I was going to be cleaning the church by myself for the first time. I mentioned this fact, so she would know why I was asking, but clearly, I should have merely asked the question and kept my reasons to myself. Instead of telling me where I could find the cleaner, she said, “Good for you.” Am I reading too much into her reaction? Or was I subconsciously looking for her approval? I want to be who God wants me to be, and if I’m too arrogant or approval-seeking, I want to change those things about myself. But how then should I behave? I want others to feel comfortable around me and vice versa. I am haunted by my past as an over-achiever.