Sick and Sleepless

Baby handsI woke up early this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. My mind is full of the things that Ian has been studying. He is supremely interested in the Underground Railroad, but the stories of the slaves who ran away are so sad. Ian and I went to a Civil War exhibit over the summer, and I couldn’t sleep at all that night. There was a picture of a man who was wearing something around his neck to make it impossible for him to rest his head on anything – to prevent him from being able to sleep or even rest. I cannot imagine a blacksmith making one of those things with a person in mind, nor a slave owner being evil enough to use one. Who thinks of these things?

Now Thanksgiving is coming up, and we are studying the pilgrims and the Indians. And along with that story comes the inevitable questions: are there still Indians in America? What happened to them? And once again, we delve into the depths of broken promises and treating people like animals. Ian is learning just how evil people can be. Normal, everyday people who had friends and neighbors and went to church on Sundays. Because they thought they were justified in their actions.

So he is learning about the human condition, and our potential for evil, but there is still one topic we haven’t breached. One that is so heavy and so horrible that it seems that it should be the stuff of legends. Like once upon a time, there was a culture that was so evil, they actually condoned the slaughter of their own offspring. Their own!! And why did they condone it? So people could have sex anytime they wanted and not have to bother about taking responsibility for anything.

And don’t whine and cry to me about rape. Sometimes bad things happen to people, and I am sorry that they happen, but I personally just came through more pain than I ever imagined possible (not rape, but that is beside the point). I am not even a whole person anymore. If, however, I could have murdered my son to save myself from some emotional or physical turmoil, would I have been justified? It’s supposed to be a rhetorical question…

Don’t people realize that making the decision to murder a completely innocent person should only serve to compound the emotional problems they will face down the road? How can the sacrifice of your very own child do anything to alleviate the fact that you were raped? Do you think that child is not your responsibility just because you aren’t responsible? If someone placed a starving baby on your doorstep, would you feel justified in putting it out of it’s misery because you can’t afford to feed it, and you are too busy to jump through the hoops of placing it up for adoption? I just can’t understand how my own friends and neighbors,  how any real person, can condone anything like this.

Every day, Ian and I learn a little more about the selfishness of early Americans and how they closed their eyes and ignored evil to make their own lives more comfortable. I wonder when the time will come when I will have to inform him that the most evil time in the history of our beloved country is right now? That the human race is more depraved than it has ever been, and it’s right in his own back yard?

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5 responses to “Sick and Sleepless

  1. I had to explain a few atrocities to my 8yo Sunday School class, and I told them: Just as a kid might be bad or feel like being bad, some grown-ups are bad, too. It’s why we have police and jails, to catch the bad grown-ups and keep them locked up so the rest of us can feel safe.
    It was important to me to help them grasp that their childhood moments of “badness” are not so far from their grown-up moments; that we all are choosing, each day, whom we will serve.
    Also, it helps to think of those who helped. The people who risked their lives and livelihoods to end the misery for whomever they could. It gives us bravery to think of their bravery. And it makes us want to be like them.
    I pray you find rest for your soul and your body.

    • Thank you, Katherine. Yes, it truly helps to think of those who helped. That is the part that Ian is enjoying so much. We are listening to and reading children’s resources, and they all have happy endings. 🙂 If only I could hope that the abortion epidemic will someday end. I am so afraid that things are going to continue to worsen in this country.

  2. This was a great post–such passion and heart. This reminded me of an essay I read from David P. Gushee on “Spiritual Formation and the Sanctity of Life.” I have a copy if you would like to read it. He quoted a line from Les Miserable “To love another person is to see the face of God. Add to it this corollary: To hate, or degrade, or demean, or torture, or murder or ignore the suffering of another person is to spit in the face of God.”

    Lastly of my course, my heart was drawn to the undertone of your personal pain in this post. There are no words that heal that kind of pain in an instant. You must have the freedom to grieve and feel how you do it any given moment without any judgment from anyone at all. Grief or learning to live with the changes that loss has brought about is not a linear journey. You are in my prayers always.

  3. Thank you, Mike. I loved Les Miserables. Someday, I hope to learn French, for no other reason than to read that book in it’s native language. I feel like so much was lost in translation. And thank you so much for your prayers. My heart is heavy for the innocents who have lost their lives with such flippancy. And my heart is heavy for the people of this country who have become slaves to the idea of the pursuit of personal happiness at any cost.

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